Even O. Keel
Member
Buckle up, folks, because today's political news reads like the fever dream of a dystopian novelist on a three-day bender. In a move that should surprise no one and disgust everyone with a conscience, Donald Trump, no longer content with just throwing America’s norms into a blender, decided to appoint Matt Gaetz as Attorney General. Yes, you read that right—the same Matt Gaetz who’s been dogged by allegations of child sex trafficking and whose tenure in Congress has been more sideshow spectacle than governance. Gaetz, a man whose name wasn’t even whispered for the role, is now slated to be the country’s top law enforcement official. Trump's explanation? Gaetz is “tenacious” and apparently all about reforming the Justice Department. Translation: a loyalist to protect Trump at any cost, law be damned.
Cue the gasps and stunned silence on Capitol Hill, where even seasoned GOP senators apparently choked on their coffee. Kevin McCarthy, the recently deposed House Speaker, spilled some dirt, accusing Gaetz of trying to strong-arm him into killing an ethics investigation. McCarthy's words—Gaetz is a man who allegedly paid an underage girl and tried to bury the evidence. And this is Trump's pick? We're living in the upside-down.
Not one to stop at just one appalling nomination, Trump’s MAGA circus rolled out the red carpet for Tulsi Gabbard as Director of National Intelligence. Yes, the same Gabbard who has more in common with Kremlin propaganda than anything resembling modern intelligence strategy. Once a supposed progressive, Gabbard is now Trump’s apologist for all things Putin. She’s traded Democratic ideals for Tucker Carlson air time, and now she’ll have her hands on America’s top secrets. Sleep well tonight.
But wait, there’s more. Trump tapped Pete Hegseth, a Fox News talking head with a well-documented disdain for hygiene and a love affair with inflammatory rhetoric, as Secretary of Defense. This is a man who bragged on air that he hasn’t washed his hands in a decade. In charge of the military. The most powerful military on the planet. If that doesn’t send shivers down your spine, consider this: he also thinks women shouldn’t serve in combat, Muslims are a “slow-motion 9/11,” and the Constitution’s separation of church and state is a myth. The Pentagon must be thrilled.
If these nominations weren’t surreal enough, let’s add a cherry on top: Trump plans to create a “warrior board” to purge “woke” generals. Retired brass loyal to Trump will have the power to remove high-ranking officers deemed insufficiently loyal. The parallels to historical regimes we were taught to fear are unavoidable, yet here we are, staring into the abyss. Flynn, the disgraced former national security advisor, might just be tapped to sit on this board. His idea of “draining the swamp” involves imprisonment and executions, apparently. It’s not just grotesque; it’s chilling.
And because no MAGA fever dream would be complete without billionaire chaos, Elon Musk is now poised to lead a “Department of Government Efficiency”—an actual joke turned frightening reality, named “DOGE” for his beloved cryptocurrency. Musk, who’s more comfortable tweeting conspiracies and launching rockets than understanding government structure, will partner with the Office of Management and Budget to gut regulations and slash spending. No conflict of interest disclosures, no federal oversight—just Musk and Trump tearing down the government in the name of efficiency.
So here we are, with Trump's nominations and maneuvers promising a grotesque blend of cronyism, incompetence, and unhinged power grabs. Gaetz, Gabbard, Hegseth, Musk—each one a brick in the wall of Trump’s new America. It’s less about policy and more about power, less about service and more about self-preservation. Strap in, because the ride’s only going to get bumpier. Welcome to MAGA Land 2024, where every day brings a new low and every move is a gut punch to anyone who still believes in democracy, decency, or basic competence.
