US Gun Violence..good for America good for jobs......!!??

Breaking news....

A spokesman for the National Rifle Association (NRA) has identified the reason why American citizens are not safe in America and at the same time also proposed a plan for more American jobs. Spokesman Ralf E “hollowpoint” Mington said at a press conference in the Oval Office this morning “We should be carrying more guns to defend ourselves from all these pansy’assed liberals in our country, the more guns we have the more people we can shoot!” Mr. Mington went on to say “it’s a goddamned shame that we have to import all these foreign guns when we can make them just as lethal here!” President Donald J Trump wagged his head vigorously, stating “I have set up meetings with top executives from the gun makers and undertakers and will have my team work with them to make sure that they have all the support they need. There is no reason that we cannot shoot our own citizens with our own US made guns made by honest US hands and buried in good US soil”.

Mr. Mington further proposed a reduction in the legal age for gun ownership stating “its against the principals of the founding fathers that a whole section of our citizens are denied the rights and opportunity to shoot people.” President Trump interrupted his tweeting and managed to say “Look I’m a second amendment guy and were gunna get rid of the red flags, all the red flags, nobody gets rid of red flags better than me, I am the red flag getter ridder of! See that red flag? Its gone”

When asked by this reporter about the possibility of denying guns to people with mental health issues President Trump shut down the website Lesbians in Hot Strawberry Jam and gasped “these loonies should be shot, if they were shot first then they couldn’t shoot others and then you would have to shoot the shooters this is great for the economy as it increases the demand for ammo which of course goes in another direction”

At this point the interview was terminated by the Presidents senior advisor Steve Bannon because it was nap time.

Full story available here Gun loonacy

 

Breaking News!!

Spokesman for the National Rifle Association (NRA) Ralf E. “hollowpoint” Mington has today in his press briefing advised all customers going to diners to be fully armed and on the lookout for people eating crap food! Following a shooting incident earlier in Horsetrough, Kan. - perpetrated by a disgruntled diner which led to the death of one customer and two others injured Mr. Mington stated categorically that “it cannot be blamed on guns it was the burgers that caused this – probably foreign imported beef”. Mr. Mington went on to say that “we advise all diners to go fully armed, if you see anyone complaining about the food you should shoot them before they shoot you”.

At the Whitehouse press briefing this morning this reporter asked Whitehouse Press Spokesman Sean Spicer if there was any comment from President Donald J. Trump following the death of 15 and injury of a further 63 Americans from gun incidents yesterday, Mr. Spicer declined to comment saying that the President was unavailable for comment as he was cuddling his snugger.

Full coverage here of todays events Idiots with guns

 

CPAC Special Report

At the annual gathering of the Conservative Political Action Conference this reporter had the pleasure of meeting up with the new National Rifle Association (NRA) spokesgal Nada C. Holes yesterday evening. Freshly photoshopped and wearing a stunning red jacket she was able to spare a few minutes away from signing copies of her new book “Hands on your Guns – Defending the Plot to Eradicate Liberals” which she said “is selling like Mil Spec customised AR15s!”

Asked about her appointment as the new spokesgal she said “well I’m really stoked about this position, y’all know the NRA is the original civil rights organisation right? And they do so much good for America and all them blue collar folks, so I tell you I am like so absolutely just like so stoked up to the eyeballs at working with such a caring organisation like our NRA” Ms Holes went on to say “my grandpappy would be so proud! As a little snubnose of a girl I remember when my Grandpappy would sit on the stoop cradling our trusty old custom FN Scar 17s Rifle the one with the Elcan Specter DR optics and the KDG MLOK 6.5 inch extended front rail with the Steiner DBAL-I2 Class 1 IR Laser on it sayin he was just so happy that the NRA was out there protecting his family values”.

When this reporter asked Nada Holes about the 21 dead and 49 injured Americans yesterday she looked up at the roof of the convention centre and said “well it was a come to Jesus moment for them”

Further coverage here Come to Jesus....

 

Lies, damned lies and statistics.

Statistical analyses will help the National Rifle Association (NRA) planners save the countries hospitals time and money it is hoped. For a long time it has been a mystery why the number of dead has been statistically lower than the number of injured following firearms applications, when asked about this confusing anomaly National Rifle Association (NRA) spokesgal Nada C. Holes looked perplexed and said “well my grandpappy just pointed and shot and got what he shot”. Ms Holes went on to say that “we [NRA] are looking at ways of helping to improve the accuracy of our members so that we can address this statistical imbalance, although its’ not good for the ammo business we are trying to find methods that can yield the highest return per bullet”.

One significant study the NRA is undertaking showed that strategic investments in the execution phase of personal firearms applications could save American hospitals 60% to 80% of the operation and support costs, the largest component of post-firearms applications is medical professionals dealing with the survivors. Spokesgal Nada C. Holes was hopeful that in collaboration with the National Association of Emergency Medical Technicians (NAEMT) the NRA could work towards improving the statistical imbalance, however, an anonymous source at the NAEMT said she “was out of her tiny f**king mind”.

When discussing the weekend’s carnage with this reporter which worked out at exactly 50 dead to 100 injured, Ms. Holes stated she was “encouraged to see an exact 1 to 2 ratio but that’s still not as good as my Grandpappy’ so I guess there’s still a lot of work ahead for us at the NRA”

Further statistical review here how many..!!??

 

Drive-by Shootings

In a recent survey of drive-by shootings in the US compiled by the National Rifle Association (NRA) it has identified that the number of injuries suffered far outweighs the number of deaths. The NRA, struggling to come to terms with this confusing data, has identified a potential reason why. NRA spokesgal Nada C. Holes drawled in her daily press gaggle today “that a lack of convenient and handy weapons receptacles could have hindered members in the accurate and timely discharge of their firearms” Ms Holes pointed to one of the conclusions of the survey which was that reaching into the glove compartment takes time and could hinder a positive outcome “the glove compartment is not the best place to keep a firearm as most members prefer to use it for their Cheetos, gum and Twinkies.” Ms. Holes went on to confirm that the NRA was intending to consult with the Automobile Manufacturers Association (AMA) to come up with a potential solution to this sticky problem.

Ms Holes dribbled on that the NRA would be setting up a special working party to be called the Tactical Weapons Access and Targeting Section (TWATS), who would be tasked to come up with plans and ideas to assist members in improving the outcome of their drive-by firearms discharge endeavours. Ms. Holes was quietly confident as initial suggestions from the TWATS showed that by “removing cup-holders in cars and replacing them with gun-holders members could have ready access to their firearms and ammo” Ms. Holes was stoked to announce that “we are calling this our Weapons Ammunition and Clip Compartment Idea (WACCI) and we think this WACCI solution should allow for quicker and more accurate firearms discharge thus reducing the number of injured people.”

Following the deaths of 6 and further injury of 36 people yesterday this reporter contacted the AMA and was informed by a source “that the TWATS at the NRA can stick their WACCI plan up their arse”

Survey review here what problem?

 

NRA Press release

The National Rifle Association Institute for Legislative Action (NRA-ILA) applauded President Donald Trump for signing H.J. Res. 40, revoking a last-minute gun grab issued at the end of the Obama administration. NRA spokesgal Nada C. Holes was jubilant in her proclamaition of the NRA’s “defence of the rights and civil liberties of all financially strapped disabled, mentally incapable and totally insane people to have access to a personal firearm so long as they’re not flagged under NICS database” Ms. Holes further reiterated the firm belief that “regulation of firearms and individual gun ownership or use must be consistent with civil liberties principles, such as equal protection, freedom from unlawful searches, and privacy and that until a crime is committed due process must be observed”

Following the press conference this reporter had some time to discuss this issue further with Ms. Holes. I asked Ms. Holes about what she thought about those with concerns “looky here, I hear and respect the concerns of those opposed to H.J. Res. 40, but the NRA can’t in good conscience support the SSA December 19, 2016 rule.” She went on to say “I share ACLU’s view that the SSA’s rule disregards the right to due process all Americans are entitled to under the Fifth Amendment, and discriminates against our fellow Americans living with mental disabilities why should they be denied the right to be tool-up if they are not a threat to fellow Americans?” This reporter asked Ms. Holes about the unfortunate shooting of two Indians in Kansas by a mentally deranged bartender and she was adamant that “yeah, he was a total fruitloop but before the shooting he wasn’t a criminal! The real issue here is why a total drunkard was left in charge of a bar huh! It was the juice of the devil that drove him and that’s the real crime here – they should arrest the bar owner!”

Commenting on the deaths of 17 and further injury of 42 people yesterday Ms. Holes said “we and the ACLU are confident that these people got there due process”

Further due process here your rights

 

NRA Press release

In heart-warming news today The National Rifle Association has announced plans for the deregulation of silencers. Right now, silencers are regulated by the National Firearms Act, which requires background checks, registration and fees before you can buy a silencer. Announcing the new Bill, Chris Cox, executive director of NRA's Institute for Legislative Action garbled that “when you buy a gun you will also be able to buy a silencer as well!”. In detailing the benefits of suppressors, he gleefully bumbled on that “Suppressors significantly reduce the chance of hearing loss for anyone who enjoys the shooting sports," and further stated “they also significantly reduce the possibility of gunshot victims getting tinnitus later in life which can be a debilitating ailment!”.

NRA Spokesgal Nada C. Holes was furiously wagging her head at Cox’s comments and stated that she would be writing a new book filled with detailed and exciting new research on how to shoot people without causing permanent hearing difficulties or causing undue noise, “It’s like so easy to see the benefits of having silencers, y’all will be able to shoot people at night and like not cause too much of a noise and disturbing folks’ sleep” commented Ms Holes nearly wetting herself with glee.

Cox further confirmed that he was in consultation with National School Board Association to determining if principals would be willing to relax the rules regarding students bringing fire arms onto school grounds. “allowing students with personal fire arms onto school grounds should be allowed as long as they are fitted with suppressors” argued Cox, “in the event of a rampage students will not be unduly alarmed by the noise. We all know that sudden loud noises can cause distractions so suppressed weapons will allow students and teachers to carry on with their class work without interruption”

H.R.3799 — 114th Congress (2015-2016)
Hearing Protection Act of 2015
This bill amends the Internal Revenue Code to: (1) eliminate the $200 transfer tax on firearm silencers, and (2) treat any person who acquires or possesses a firearm silencer as meeting any registration or licensing requirements of the National Firearms Act with respect to such silencer. Any person who pays a tax on a silencer after October 22, 2015 may receive a refund of such tax.

The bill amends the federal criminal code to preempt state or local laws that tax or regulate firearm silencers.

 

Sounds Goofy, I use mine to hunt wild hogs at night, there are no other good reasons to own one..just my opinion.

 

And in my opinion, there is no good reason to own a gun!

 

Shit! Then the Grizzly's should have a lobby group too....that might make them a lot happier!!! Maybe there should be an amendment to the 2nd Amendment granting the rights of bears to bear arms..

 

Further gufaws and chuckles here Laugh a day stats