It has come to our attention that, as Americans, we really haven't been at the top of other Earth citizens' Christmas lists for some time now. Like some spouse that has become too used to having her good life paid for by a husband's work and sweat, you've keep telling us you "need your space."
We have listened. We have heard. You want your space. And we are ready to give it to you. Politely if possible, but with both barrels if necessary. So pay attention....
Therefore, as Americans, we've decided to take a break and bag the rest of the world for about four years. That way you can sort things out without our annoying presence.
Think of it as our sabbatical from your "present difficulties."
Please note that during our sabbatical the following policies will prevail:
1) All foreign aid is going to become internal aid, except for the occasional export of Hillary Clinton and Jimmy Carter and Perez Hilton to give you the wise guidance you so desperately need. Use all three as you will and don't feel the need to return them when you are done.
2) All charitable giving is going to be directed at deserving institutions and individuals inside the United States.
3) All profits made by US companies will be only be allowed to be reinvested in facilities within the United States. (We'll define what US companies are and any executives of such companies attempting to avoid this edict will be turned over various shadowy groups in the mountains of Afghanistan for their dining and dancing pleasure.)
4) We're going to be reducing our current balance of trade to zero by fiat. Why? Because we can. After that, we'll be running trade on the "one dollar in, one dollar out" basis, so if you want to come out of our sabbatical with favored nation status, you'd best have your Visa card out and ready to be charred to a crisp on the American griddle.
5) For those of you with a lot of your people already living here in the United States and sending money back, well, there's going to be a little interruption in remittances for a year or so as those Americans "in the shadows" come out and spend or be bussed back south of Nogales pronto. Not to worry. You can just raise taxes on your own people to take up the slack, right? Enjoy.
6) Our military men will all be returning home to spend more time with their families. (Time for all you Iraqis, Koreans, Germans, Afghans, Japanese, etc. to man up and get those guns locked and loaded.)
7) As Americans, we never want to do anything to interfere with our own super-rich and their freedom, so there will be a bit of slack around the edges.
Foreign tourism, for example, will not be eliminated but will be socked with a 225% surcharge for any spending done outside the United States. It will be a great time to, as they used to say, "See the USA in your Chevrolet." (Oh yes, foreign automobiles and those manufactured by the U.S, government containing batteries will have, for the duration, a 300% tariff on their purchase price.)
8) Oil? We'll be drilling the entire states of Alaska, California, Texas, and Oklahoma for years along with the Pacific and the Caribbean out to about, oh, Hawaii and Columbia respectively. After which we'll clean them up better than before because its what we do and we do it best. (Eco-nuts protesting this will be given honorary Swedish citizenship and deported via the alimentary canals of polar bears.)
But if we need extra oil and we ask, you'd better think twice before you say no. We'll always have enough in the strategic petroleum reserve for B-52's, B-2’s and our carrier groups. If we have to send them out away from their families, they will be, we promise you, in a bad mood. Very bad.
But, hey, it's a free world. Make our day.
9) You got that part about the Navy (surface fleet at least) coming home, right? This means we'll no longer be guaranteeing the safety of the sea lanes throughout the world, so if any of your tankers get lost or you see a big fleet of ships coming across the straits towards, say, Taiwan, well, call up North Korea and see if you can get a witness.
10) We're sort of tuckered out here and not a little bit cranky because of it, so please don't do anything that interrupts our picnics, naps and cleaning up our own place starting with the Capitol building and moving right along to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Should any of you take it in your little pin-heads to bug us, please understand that we reserve the right to, well, "over-react" and give you a live demo of how to turn sand into glass in your own backyard. (See below) Learn the inner meaning of our temporary national motto: Noli me tangere.)
If that's too much Latin for your little minds, here's an old favorite of ours that's coming back into style
ON'T TREAD ON ME..
We hope this message is taken in the spirit of love and friendship in which it was written. After all, we're founded on the proposition that all men are created equal.Go get equal. We'll be back.
Hugs, The United States of America
P.S. Since all of our Armed Forces, conventional and nuclear, will be either ready for instant deployment, or on station as ballistic missile submarines around the world (No, we're not going to tell you where.), don't get any funny ideas. Play nice.
P.P.S. We almost forgot. For the purposes of this note, Israel will become the 51st State for the duration. Be cool.
The Citizens of the United States of America
We have listened. We have heard. You want your space. And we are ready to give it to you. Politely if possible, but with both barrels if necessary. So pay attention....
Therefore, as Americans, we've decided to take a break and bag the rest of the world for about four years. That way you can sort things out without our annoying presence.
Think of it as our sabbatical from your "present difficulties."
Please note that during our sabbatical the following policies will prevail:
1) All foreign aid is going to become internal aid, except for the occasional export of Hillary Clinton and Jimmy Carter and Perez Hilton to give you the wise guidance you so desperately need. Use all three as you will and don't feel the need to return them when you are done.
2) All charitable giving is going to be directed at deserving institutions and individuals inside the United States.
3) All profits made by US companies will be only be allowed to be reinvested in facilities within the United States. (We'll define what US companies are and any executives of such companies attempting to avoid this edict will be turned over various shadowy groups in the mountains of Afghanistan for their dining and dancing pleasure.)
4) We're going to be reducing our current balance of trade to zero by fiat. Why? Because we can. After that, we'll be running trade on the "one dollar in, one dollar out" basis, so if you want to come out of our sabbatical with favored nation status, you'd best have your Visa card out and ready to be charred to a crisp on the American griddle.
5) For those of you with a lot of your people already living here in the United States and sending money back, well, there's going to be a little interruption in remittances for a year or so as those Americans "in the shadows" come out and spend or be bussed back south of Nogales pronto. Not to worry. You can just raise taxes on your own people to take up the slack, right? Enjoy.
6) Our military men will all be returning home to spend more time with their families. (Time for all you Iraqis, Koreans, Germans, Afghans, Japanese, etc. to man up and get those guns locked and loaded.)
7) As Americans, we never want to do anything to interfere with our own super-rich and their freedom, so there will be a bit of slack around the edges.
Foreign tourism, for example, will not be eliminated but will be socked with a 225% surcharge for any spending done outside the United States. It will be a great time to, as they used to say, "See the USA in your Chevrolet." (Oh yes, foreign automobiles and those manufactured by the U.S, government containing batteries will have, for the duration, a 300% tariff on their purchase price.)
8) Oil? We'll be drilling the entire states of Alaska, California, Texas, and Oklahoma for years along with the Pacific and the Caribbean out to about, oh, Hawaii and Columbia respectively. After which we'll clean them up better than before because its what we do and we do it best. (Eco-nuts protesting this will be given honorary Swedish citizenship and deported via the alimentary canals of polar bears.)
But if we need extra oil and we ask, you'd better think twice before you say no. We'll always have enough in the strategic petroleum reserve for B-52's, B-2’s and our carrier groups. If we have to send them out away from their families, they will be, we promise you, in a bad mood. Very bad.
But, hey, it's a free world. Make our day.
9) You got that part about the Navy (surface fleet at least) coming home, right? This means we'll no longer be guaranteeing the safety of the sea lanes throughout the world, so if any of your tankers get lost or you see a big fleet of ships coming across the straits towards, say, Taiwan, well, call up North Korea and see if you can get a witness.
10) We're sort of tuckered out here and not a little bit cranky because of it, so please don't do anything that interrupts our picnics, naps and cleaning up our own place starting with the Capitol building and moving right along to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Should any of you take it in your little pin-heads to bug us, please understand that we reserve the right to, well, "over-react" and give you a live demo of how to turn sand into glass in your own backyard. (See below) Learn the inner meaning of our temporary national motto: Noli me tangere.)
If that's too much Latin for your little minds, here's an old favorite of ours that's coming back into style
ON'T TREAD ON ME..We hope this message is taken in the spirit of love and friendship in which it was written. After all, we're founded on the proposition that all men are created equal.Go get equal. We'll be back.
Hugs, The United States of America
P.S. Since all of our Armed Forces, conventional and nuclear, will be either ready for instant deployment, or on station as ballistic missile submarines around the world (No, we're not going to tell you where.), don't get any funny ideas. Play nice.
P.P.S. We almost forgot. For the purposes of this note, Israel will become the 51st State for the duration. Be cool.
The Citizens of the United States of America
