My First Act as President
I am destined to be the Cruel, Deranged, Bloodthirsty, Despot of the Universe, so I have no need for things like campaign platforms and elections. However, since I will soon be 58 years of age, and a natural born American citizen, I’m actually eligible for the job.
I have just as much experience at being President as all the front runners, by which I mean none. As an added bonus, I’m probably only half as corrupt. Of course, I would still enthusiastically abuse any power given to me, but I don’t have the running start they do.
In the coming election, I plan to vote for myself, because no one can represent my views as well as I can. Let’s face the facts. I have a perfect record of agreeing with my political views. Any other candidate could only come close.
Obviously, I need to determine what my first act as President would be. If I’m going to vote for myself, I need to know what I stand for. I’m not going to vote for a candidate without being well informed on his agenda. It’s an essential step in voting with a clear conscience.
All on this thread know I am from TEXAS and I think we need a better energy policy.
It occurred to me that we need a better energy policy. With our ability to drill for domestic oil being sabotaged by dirty hippie eco-commies, foreign oil being controlled by psychotic nutjobs, hysterical pseudo-scientific ravings about global warming, and an ever growing demand for energy in India and China, we really need to take control of our energy needs.
(when I use the word hippies..I also mean most liberals)!
We could use nuclear energy, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
We could drill in ANWR, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
We could invade other countries and steal their oil, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
It seems clear that every good solution to our energy problems has a common thread → Dirty hippies standing in the way of progress.
I was struck with an epiphany. All of our problems can be resolved by developing an alternative energy source out of dirty hippies. All living things contain carbon, and thus, the possibility of being transformed into an energy source.
The benefits of Hippie fuel.
In addition to providing the nation with it’s energy needs, using hippies as fuel also solves the problem of hippies standing in the way of progress.
Every time a hippie protests our plans to invade a country of fanatical blood cultists, he gets turned into a few more gallons per mile for our citizens.
Whenever someone attempts to advance Communism under the disguise of protecting our ecology, a recycling plant can continue to operate a little cheaper. Wherever global warming is mentioned, a poor person will keep a little warmer for the winter. Anytime a new nuclear facility is opposed, the city lights will stay on a little longer. Hippies also seem to think that the Earth is overpopulated, and that humans are not part of the ecosystem, but rather, a deadly plague to our planet. It seems like they would be perfect volunteers to help solve both problems simultaneously, by agreeing to be ground into an oily paste.
I’ve even invented a great product name and catchy marketing slogan for my alternative hippie fuel. I figured out that hippies like soy, “Green” is the catch-all phrase of choice for their crypto-Communism, and I plan to turn them into oil.
I combined the words “soy, oil, and green.” I call it “Soylent Green.” I’ll have to look up and make sure the name isn’t already trademarked or something.
I know you’re already blown away by my awesome idea, but wait until you check out my marketing campaign.
Of the people, By the people, For the people. Soylent Green – It’s made of people!™
As genius as my idea is, I realized that it would take a bit of public support to get it passed into law. So I decided that instead of shooting for my revolutionary energy policy right off the bat, I would start by creating a new public holiday. Everyone would cheer, “Yay! Another day off with pay!” My popularity would shoot through the roof.
just sayin
doug
I am destined to be the Cruel, Deranged, Bloodthirsty, Despot of the Universe, so I have no need for things like campaign platforms and elections. However, since I will soon be 58 years of age, and a natural born American citizen, I’m actually eligible for the job.
I have just as much experience at being President as all the front runners, by which I mean none. As an added bonus, I’m probably only half as corrupt. Of course, I would still enthusiastically abuse any power given to me, but I don’t have the running start they do.
In the coming election, I plan to vote for myself, because no one can represent my views as well as I can. Let’s face the facts. I have a perfect record of agreeing with my political views. Any other candidate could only come close.
Obviously, I need to determine what my first act as President would be. If I’m going to vote for myself, I need to know what I stand for. I’m not going to vote for a candidate without being well informed on his agenda. It’s an essential step in voting with a clear conscience.
All on this thread know I am from TEXAS and I think we need a better energy policy.
It occurred to me that we need a better energy policy. With our ability to drill for domestic oil being sabotaged by dirty hippie eco-commies, foreign oil being controlled by psychotic nutjobs, hysterical pseudo-scientific ravings about global warming, and an ever growing demand for energy in India and China, we really need to take control of our energy needs.
(when I use the word hippies..I also mean most liberals)!
We could use nuclear energy, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
We could drill in ANWR, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
We could invade other countries and steal their oil, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
It seems clear that every good solution to our energy problems has a common thread → Dirty hippies standing in the way of progress.
I was struck with an epiphany. All of our problems can be resolved by developing an alternative energy source out of dirty hippies. All living things contain carbon, and thus, the possibility of being transformed into an energy source.
The benefits of Hippie fuel.
In addition to providing the nation with it’s energy needs, using hippies as fuel also solves the problem of hippies standing in the way of progress.
Every time a hippie protests our plans to invade a country of fanatical blood cultists, he gets turned into a few more gallons per mile for our citizens.
Whenever someone attempts to advance Communism under the disguise of protecting our ecology, a recycling plant can continue to operate a little cheaper. Wherever global warming is mentioned, a poor person will keep a little warmer for the winter. Anytime a new nuclear facility is opposed, the city lights will stay on a little longer. Hippies also seem to think that the Earth is overpopulated, and that humans are not part of the ecosystem, but rather, a deadly plague to our planet. It seems like they would be perfect volunteers to help solve both problems simultaneously, by agreeing to be ground into an oily paste.
I’ve even invented a great product name and catchy marketing slogan for my alternative hippie fuel. I figured out that hippies like soy, “Green” is the catch-all phrase of choice for their crypto-Communism, and I plan to turn them into oil.
I combined the words “soy, oil, and green.” I call it “Soylent Green.” I’ll have to look up and make sure the name isn’t already trademarked or something.
I know you’re already blown away by my awesome idea, but wait until you check out my marketing campaign.
Of the people, By the people, For the people. Soylent Green – It’s made of people!™
As genius as my idea is, I realized that it would take a bit of public support to get it passed into law. So I decided that instead of shooting for my revolutionary energy policy right off the bat, I would start by creating a new public holiday. Everyone would cheer, “Yay! Another day off with pay!” My popularity would shoot through the roof.
just sayin
doug
